1. Don’t make promises you know you won’t keep.
2. Don’t tell me to do things that you yourself will not do.
3. Don’t listen to other people.
4. Don’t wait.
5. Be honest, always.
6. Feel.

Giving someone false hope is one of the worst things you can do.

You would do anything for him, he would do anything to get what he wants. Only what he wants, how he wants it. So don’t do anything for him. He doesn’t deserve it. Nobody has ever been able to catch you, so why tie yourself down? Run. He’ll remember why he was chasing you. And by then you’ll be gone.

Bad Idea.

Never knowingly kiss a sick boy. Then get really sick and go away with them for the weekend and lie about being sick so that they can have a good weekend. It makes you look like you’re not friendly with their friends and then they do too many drugs and they don’t want you anymore and they tell you that when you’re starting to get better and then you can’t eat and you get sicker. And then you say “Fuck him” but it’s too late because you’re already sicker. But you get pretty and go out anyway, you can’t smoke because it makes you cough. Your head hurts. The DJ is shit. The lights hurt. Your friend tells you you’re beautiful. He wants to dance. He wants to get you medicine. He kisses you. You don’t want him. Some guy wants to talk. He’s cute so you talk. He’s not as smart. He’s not you. You go to sleep, wake up. You have to leave work early because you ate for the first time in days and pizza was a bad choice and you’re about to pass out. Or puke. It alternates. And your co-workers hate you for leaving and you run a red light because it looked green and that’s all you remember from driving home. And you make it to your dorm and you have no medicine and you can’t sleep. And you’ve been waiting for him to come home to tell him that you just want him to be your friend because that’s what’s important but then it’s 4 a.m. and he’s home and you don’t want to talk, you just need to borrow some medicine so you can sleep. And then you wake up and feel like passing out so you call out of work and your mom calls and says to get someone to drive you to the walk-in clinic. And your friends are all out of town or in bed with their boys or trying to date you and he lives upstairs so you have to call him and he’s sleeping so you say “Sorry. Nevermind.” and he asks what’s wrong and you’re crying and you never cry and you hate crying and you’re not crying over him, you’re crying because it hurts. And he comes down and you don’t know where you left your keys or your wallet. And he wants to talk in the car but it hurts to think. And he’s being mean. And then he realizes how much you hurt and he starts being nice. And then you have to wait forever with a million screaming kids and you’re both in your pajamas and he’s rubbing your back and you want to tell him to stop but you can’t because that’s the last thing you want. And the doctors ask questions that you can’t answer and put needles in your arm. They take lots of blood and give you a prescription. He takes you to breakfast and makes you eat even though it hurts. And then gets your medicine. And then lays in bed with you with the light off because it hurts your head and talks to you all day. About you, him, us. He wants to cuddle. He wants to be close. It’s hard for him to say he has no feelings. It makes him hard to believe. You have sex. You say that you know it’s meaningless. But it doesn’t feel that way. He leaves, you sleep. Your friends tell you to not have sex with him again. You know they’re right. He says he really enjoyed talking to you. It gives you hope, when you know it shouldn’t. The medicine starts kicking in. Class, class, class. You don’t see him. You try not to think about him. He’s all you think about. You find the perfect dress. He likes black. It makes you look skinny. You go to dinner for your friend’s birthday. He sits next to you. Everyone assumes you’re back together. You eat. You go sleep. He goes somewhere. Then you’re in a bar. Drunk, happy. Boys tell you you’re beautiful. You have perfect eyes. They’re not him. He comes in. Drunk, happy. You dance. You always wanted to go out and dance with him. It never worked. He’s having fun. You know you should go dance with other people. But you just want to be with him. He just wants you. He comes back with you. Talks for hours. Tells you that he doesn’t know how to be happy. He just knows how to fuck up. That you’d be good for him but he’d be bad for you. Not fair. You’re too good for him. No. He says he can’t lose you. You’d do anything for him. He says he loves you. Not like that. But he loves you. He needs you. He kisses you. And kisses you. You sleep together. Wake up. No sex. You want to make him happy though. He just wants to kiss you. You say no. Let it just be sex. He leaves. You sleep. He helps you carry your bags. Kisses you goodbye. On the cheek. Spring break. Long drive. Your neck hurts. You wake up. You don’t feel good. You just want to sleep. Your mom takes you to the doctor. More questions. Topless x-rays. He’s an asshole. More pills. Sleep, sleep, sleep. You wish he was there to take care of you. Fuck spring break. You can’t be in bed anymore so you take your dog to the beach. Overcast. Windy. Home. Fever. Sleep. Your mom wants you to go to the hospital. Your neck hurts. You sleep. You dream about him. Always. Pathetic. You wake up. Try to remember what it was like when nothing hurt. Back to sleep.

This will be deleted. Not like anyone will read it anyway. I’m going crazy.